Ten things not to say to a writer

1. Wow, you’ve got a publishing deal! I bet you’re raking in the cash now.
Yes, absolutely. In fact I’m struggling to type this, so bejewelled are my fingers.
2. Will you dedicate your book to me?
I’ve only met you about three times. I don’t even like you. Why on earth would I dedicate my book to you?
3. What’s your proper job?
This is my proper job. I know it’s ridiculous that someone pays me to make things up. But it beats working for a living.
4. I’d love to have the time to write a book.
Yes, because really all I do is float about in a negligee, eating chocolates and occasionally scribbling a few words in a leather-bound notebook. I have all the time in the world.
5. What’s it about?
If the person you ask has just been on a How To Get Published course, brace yourself for an elevator pitch: ‘it’s Bridget Jones meets Lord of the Rings, with echoes of Happy Ever After’. The rest of us, however, will freeze, a look of horror on our faces as we try to convey in a few sentences what has taken us the best part of three years to write. ‘Well, um, it’s a comedy – at least I hope it is, ha ha! – about a woman trying to get a job… and a man. Well, she doesn’t really think she wants a man, but then she meets someone and…’ It’s painful for us both.
6. Will you give me a signed copy?
No, I will SELL you a copy, and then sign it. Because if I gave away a copy to every single person who has asked this question, I would become bankrupt.
7. It must be nice not to have the pressure of work.
The wall calendar in my office is covered with red stickers. These are deadlines. If I fail to meet those deadlines, I don’t get paid. So yes, it must be nice.
8. You know, J K Rowling was rejected dozens of times before she got published.
This is supposed to be encouraging, I think, to unpublished writers. It’s not. J K Rowling is a global phenomenon, the like of which has never been seen before. No one with any common sense would draw a parallel between themselves and J K Rowling, so this sort of platitude is just depressing.
9. People are always saying I should write a book.
Are you sure they’re not just saying that to stop you boring them with your stories?
10. Will you put me in your book?
No, because you ask really stupid questions.